Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.