Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.