Jeff Foxworthy

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.