Jen Kirkman

I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.

I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously.

There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan.

Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue.

Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.

The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.

I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.

Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.

What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.

At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.

I think some parents think, 'Oh, having kids is so beautiful; I want others to feel the joy I do.'

Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.