Johnny Carson

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

To be an entertainer, you gotta be a little gutsy, a little egotistical, so you have to pull back sometimes when people say, 'Well, he's stuck-up.' 'Stuck-up' is only another word for self-conscious.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.