Andy Rooney

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer.

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.