Lewis Black

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

The core of the American public, their hearts and their minds are in the right place. And that gives me hope.

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

Political audiences are not fun.

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.

I don't buy the 'at 60 it's great to have kids' thing. I don't buy the line that has been thrown down - 'You can have a kid at any time.' That doesn't mean you should.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.