Milton Berle

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?