Ari Shaffir

I don't vote and I don't follow who's trying to rule us. The revolution is coming. Until then, I'll just watch 'Game of Thrones.'

Marc Maron yells at people. I have a memory of him yelling at Jonah Ray from offstage about something he was saying, just fun stuff.

Very rarely are you going to see a story about a comic winning a fight. Yeah we're all degenerates in some way and we're all awful people, so we just show our weaknesses.

I have a running daydream about winning an Oscar and giving my speech about how ridiculous it is to rank art. And then I'd call them all sycophants and leave the statue at the podium as I walked away.

Figure out a way to get back onstage because once you do it a few times you'll get over it. Unless it's like a clinical thing. I don't know about clinical like stage fright, that might be worse than what I'm talking about. But if it's normal stage fright get over it.

The only threat is a growing pushback from militant liberals who seek to destroy free expression as they look to limit the speech of anyone who has feelings they find objectionable. It makes comics tentative to push boundaries and freely talk about the thoughts in their heads. That part is terrible for development.

I've fallen asleep at red lights before. Not like passed out, but like I've put the parking break on and reclined my seat and taken a nap.

I know how lazy I am. So if I have to go somewhere else I can't get to easily, I talk myself out of it.

I hate being rejected.

I genuinely like haggis. Everybody told me I was supposed to hate it, but I really did enjoy it.

Being Orthodox Jewish is kind of like being raised on like network sitcoms.

Once I started getting more successful, I just stopped caring completely - ‘I'll just do exactly what I want. It doesn't matter.'"