Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.