Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.