Steven Wright

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.