Steven Wright

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.