W. C. Fields

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

I never met a kid I liked.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.