W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

I like children - fried.