Bill Maher

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.