Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.