Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.