Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.