Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.