Fran Lebowitz

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.