George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Think off-center.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.