Life does not agree with philosophy: There is no happiness that is not idleness, and only what is useless is pleasurable.

Reason and justice tell me there's more love for humanity in electricity and steam than in chastity and vegetarianism.

Advertising is the very essence of democracy.

Money, like vodka, turns a person into an eccentric.

It may be a cold, clammy thing to say, but those that treat friendship the same as any other selfishness seem to get the most out of it.

I am just a journeyman actor. Most often I take what's offered me, and I've been able to work year after year. I was in 'Scarface.' Some people think this must have done me a world of good. Truth to tell, six months after 'Scarface' I had to take a job with a real estate development friend for a few months just to get by.

Approaching people looking for something in return isn't a relationship, it's a transaction.

When I started, I was very deliberate about making friends with people like John Mulaney who were really funny and wanted to go up and do as many open mics as I did.