If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

I used to go to two movies every week for the Saturday matinee when I was a kid.

Women have everything they want, and they've never been so unhappy.

I was always biting the hand that fed me. It was compulsive. Kennedy was very good to me, and I attacked him as soon as he was elected. I attacked him before he was elected.

What's funny is funny. The same thing that made you laugh a hundred years ago makes you laugh now.

I have been recording every single one of my shows since 1994. Every single joke I've ever done is on a hard drive. I can tell you when I wrote every joke I wrote. I can tell you the first time I said it, when I made it different, when I made it better.

MMA has a lot of those things that you're not allowed to talk about; like, they're completely off-limits. So you have to make a joke out of it.

It's interesting because with a lot of people who I've met in comedy, it seems not to matter what your background is. In terms of formal schooling - I feel like that's a nineteenth century term - but in terms of where you went to high school or college, or wherever, all that really is irrelevant, I have found, in comedy.