So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

My family were nothing but pleased when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.

Lie detection is like language; there is a learning window. Telling whoppers to small children seems to be a family tradition in many families.

About 25 years ago, my wife and I bought Kenny Loggins' house in Santa Barbara. It was way out of our price range, but we said, 'Screw it, let's go for it.' We've raised our family there. We overextended ourselves at the perfect time in our lives, and it worked out for the best.

My father managed shopping malls when I was a kid, and my high school job was to dress up in an elf costume and take photos of kids sitting on Santa Claus's lap.