Paul Merton

I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.

I was flying to the Maldives in 2000 when the plane went through turbulence - after that, I didn't fly for four years. Then a job came up in India, so I did a simulator flight and learnt about what goes on in the cockpit. I'm fine now.

Beginning with a trip out to Ellis Island, I saw for myself where thousands of European immigrants took their first steps onto American soil, bringing with them nothing but their ambition: people such as Erich von Stroheim and Adolph Zukor.

I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.

I was never one to go up to someone as a five- or six-year-old and say, 'Hello, my name's Paul, will you be my friend?' But I found if I did an impression of the PE teacher or whatever and people laughed, then they did like me, and so then they started talking to me, rather than me making the initial overture and then maybe being rebuffed.

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.

I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.

Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.

Maybe there's a perception of me as grumpy old bugger who suffers from depression. It's a total misconception. I don't think of myself as any grumpier than the next person. I'm not even grumpy first thing in the morning.

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.